Normally when I begin writing a post, I can never think of a good relevant name until after the post is completely written. However, this one was a little different.
“They” say that writing things out, putting them into words, always makes you feel at least some what better. From what I’ve learned with my career choice, and what I have even been told by doctors is “Writing relieves.” For some reason being able to form your “indescribable feelings” into actual words and sentences eases our minds, it eases our soul.
I’ve been at the “most unhappy period of my life” about 3 times in my short 18 years of existence. Right now, is one of those times. With the overwhelming expectations of college, relationships, family issues, money, and so much more I am at a loss for words. So pardon me as I try to put this into words.
If writing your feelings down, acknowledging their existence will relieve this pain then I have to give it a shot. So here it goes:
- I feel like I am incapable of my career.
- I hate that my parents recent divorce is consuming my thoughts.
- I constantly need attention from my boyfriend because I’m craving the love I no longer have from a functioning family.
- My legs are sore for reasons other than wearing my roller skates at Sonic.
- I’m pushing my boyfriend (the person that means the most to me) away because I don’t know how else to get his attention.
- I miss my dog.
- My dad won’t return my phone calls, which makes me feel like he’s not just divorcing my mom.. but their divorcing me too.
- A big cup of coffee doesn’t solve all my problems anymore.
- I quit smoking months ago, and recently picked it back up. Gross.
- I’m tired of working 6 days a week and being broke ALL.THE.TIME. I worry about my single mother living 10 hours away, and help with our bills when I can because I know she’s not on her feet yet.
- Not gonna lie, sometimes I think about how easy, yet hard, it would be to just end all of this and not have to ever sit in the bottom of my tiny stand up shower and cry ever again. (Not that I will go to that extreme, but I can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind).
- I feel like I don’t fit in with society, and I’m not good enough or worthy.
So there it is, my most dominant feelings put into words, numbered even!
Do I feel better? Not the slightest. Maybe it takes time? I guess time will tell. As of write now, all these little pains are within the big pain of living and I’m just trying to easy my mind.
All my life I have put myself into the wrong relationships, whether it be with boys, friends, and even family. It seems to be this unavoidable occurrence in my life.
Recently, (well about a year ago) I removed myself from a 2 year long controlling, cheating, self-esteem lowering, wrong, and every other negative adjective in the dictionary, relationship. It from cute notes on my windshield after work to “You cannot wear that dress.” and “What was that $80 charge on your bank account?” It was an awful breakup, but an even more awful relationship. Despite that though, I ended it. I realized where I wanted my life to go and the type of person I wanted it to be with and I moved on. Exploring the single life for awhile was a huge eye opener for me. It gave me time to focus on me and building myself back up after 2 years of a declining relationship.
Then, I met my SOUL MATE. I have never felt so complete in my entire life, kinda weird to say as we are only 5 months into our relationship, but hey whatever. I’ve never been able to be so honest with someone in my entire life and to be able to connect with someone so different from me. Needless to say, it’s awesome.
Now in the beginning of relationship, before you could really call it that, there was a hiccup. Recently though that hiccup has turned into quite the belching burp for me. I’ve been beginning to feel more insecure about myself as the relationship continues. Now, my significant other has not wronged me since, and honestly does so much for me and our relationship, but I can’t seem to hold my breath long enough to get rid of this hiccup. I am beginning to notice the slightest of upsetting things that normally I would just brush off my shoulder and never bring up, but I cannot help but to wonder, am I in the wrong relationship again? Admitting that I have those thoughts even feels so wrong, because I am so deeply in love with this person and believe that I am in the right relationship (other than these occasional thoughts). I know I am beginning to push myself away even when I know all I want is to anchor my feet.
In my middle school years I of course wanted to be nothing less than a million dollar a year making doctor. Then when I realized that was a far fetched dream, I settled on forensic pathology. For years I was stuck on it. Every time a family member asked what I planned to study or what I was interested in I immediately shot back with “FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST!!” with no honest idea of what that even was until I reached my sophomore year of high school.
When I finally got to high school I experienced many of the “drama” festivities, but for me it was something I couldn’t just brush off my shoulder. That’s where I discovered my true passion, psychology. I intensely battled with depression and fear of being unnoticed, despite my social butterfly personality. I spent what felt like forever searching for help from many many doctors. I was never able to find that person to help me. I couldn’t connect with someone on that much of a personal level, and I didn’t want to. I was always surrounded by friends, always going out and doing things with family. I never had time to be upset and to face was what burning inside me, and I was fine with that. That was my problem. I never had to be alone. Being alone and by yourself was something that I was completely a virgin too.
Coming to college, however, changed that. Every where I go I am surrounded by a sea of bodies, yet I’ve never felt so alone. I sit in class with 400 other people my age every day, yet I don’t recognize any of them. I don’t know any of their names, their goals, what TV shows they like. There have been days where I have gone the whole day with even opening my mouth, other than to brush my teeth. I expected college to be this social utopia, yet it’s a 111 sq. foot room covered in paintings from Pier One and a desk where there’s always a diet coke can. Being alone forces me to think, to think about anything. I think about whether or not I should cut my hair, ya know, change up the look. I think about my studies. I think about my relationships, and in this case, my non-existent relationships. Having so much time to think really does harm on the soul. However, I have finally come to terms with the occasional alone time versus my fear of isolation in my high school years. I’ve realized that I can fart when I want (JK). But I have really enjoyed being about to reflect on myself and to be the observer for once. Now, I’m not some anti-social, always in the library or locked in my room kind of college student. I do go out on occasion and make several trips to visit my military boyfriend and his friends.
Being in college has taught me how to be alone, and dissect a frog (which reminded me forensic pathology was not a good choice). And it has done the best at proving to myself that psychology is for me. Helping people that don’t know how to help themselves, is totally for me.