In my middle school years I of course wanted to be nothing less than a million dollar a year making doctor. Then when I realized that was a far fetched dream, I settled on forensic pathology. For years I was stuck on it. Every time a family member asked what I planned to study or what I was interested in I immediately shot back with “FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST!!” with no honest idea of what that even was until I reached my sophomore year of high school.
When I finally got to high school I experienced many of the “drama” festivities, but for me it was something I couldn’t just brush off my shoulder. That’s where I discovered my true passion, psychology. I intensely battled with depression and fear of being unnoticed, despite my social butterfly personality. I spent what felt like forever searching for help from many many doctors. I was never able to find that person to help me. I couldn’t connect with someone on that much of a personal level, and I didn’t want to. I was always surrounded by friends, always going out and doing things with family. I never had time to be upset and to face was what burning inside me, and I was fine with that. That was my problem. I never had to be alone. Being alone and by yourself was something that I was completely a virgin too.
Coming to college, however, changed that. Every where I go I am surrounded by a sea of bodies, yet I’ve never felt so alone. I sit in class with 400 other people my age every day, yet I don’t recognize any of them. I don’t know any of their names, their goals, what TV shows they like. There have been days where I have gone the whole day with even opening my mouth, other than to brush my teeth. I expected college to be this social utopia, yet it’s a 111 sq. foot room covered in paintings from Pier One and a desk where there’s always a diet coke can. Being alone forces me to think, to think about anything. I think about whether or not I should cut my hair, ya know, change up the look. I think about my studies. I think about my relationships, and in this case, my non-existent relationships. Having so much time to think really does harm on the soul. However, I have finally come to terms with the occasional alone time versus my fear of isolation in my high school years. I’ve realized that I can fart when I want (JK). But I have really enjoyed being about to reflect on myself and to be the observer for once. Now, I’m not some anti-social, always in the library or locked in my room kind of college student. I do go out on occasion and make several trips to visit my military boyfriend and his friends.
Being in college has taught me how to be alone, and dissect a frog (which reminded me forensic pathology was not a good choice). And it has done the best at proving to myself that psychology is for me. Helping people that don’t know how to help themselves, is totally for me.