Pains Within Pain

Normally when I begin writing a post, I can never think of a good relevant name until after the post is completely written. However, this one was a little different.

“They” say that writing things out, putting them into words, always makes you feel at least some what better. From what I’ve learned with my career choice, and what I have even been told by doctors is “Writing relieves.” For some reason being able to form your “indescribable feelings” into actual words and sentences eases our minds,  it eases our soul.

I’ve been at the “most unhappy period of my life” about 3 times in my short 18 years of existence. Right now, is one of those times. With the overwhelming expectations of college, relationships, family issues, money, and so much more I am at a loss for words. So pardon me as I try to put this into words.

If writing your feelings down, acknowledging their existence will relieve this pain then I have to give it a shot. So here it goes:

  1. I feel like I am incapable of my career.
  2. I hate that my parents recent divorce is consuming my thoughts.
  3. I constantly need attention from my boyfriend because I’m craving the love I no longer have from a functioning family.
  4. My legs are sore for reasons other than wearing my roller skates at Sonic.
  5. I’m pushing my boyfriend (the person that means the most to me) away because I don’t know how else to get his attention.
  6. I miss my dog.
  7. My dad won’t return my phone calls, which makes me feel like he’s not just divorcing my mom.. but their divorcing me too.
  8. A big cup of coffee doesn’t solve all my problems anymore.
  9. I quit smoking months ago, and recently picked it back up. Gross.
  10. I’m tired of working 6 days a week and being broke ALL.THE.TIME. I worry about my single mother living 10 hours away, and help with our bills when I can because I know she’s not on her feet yet.
  11. Not gonna lie, sometimes I think about how easy, yet hard, it would be to just end all of this and not have to ever sit in the bottom of my tiny stand up shower and cry ever again. (Not that I will go to that extreme, but I can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind).
  12. I feel like I don’t fit in with society, and I’m not good enough or worthy.

So there it is, my most dominant feelings put into words, numbered even!

Do I feel better? Not the slightest. Maybe it takes time? I guess time will tell. As of write now, all these little pains are within the big pain of living and I’m just trying to easy my mind.

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