Lifeless

I’ve come to a point in my life where I just walked out into the rain just to feel something. I don’t know what satisfaction I was looking for but it was like first instinct to just walk outside and feel the rain hitting against my shoulders. After about an hour laying lifeless in my bed staring off, thinking about everything.. thinking about nothing at all. The rain started to pick up and without thinking I walked outside.

It wasn’t long before I realized that my phone was in my pocket and as I was getting soaked, and so was it. So I came inside. Headed towards my bed again feeling no satisfaction at all I realized that if I returned to laying in my bed that well, it was going to get soaked too.

So I sat down. On the floor. Propped up against my wall. And I stared.

I stared at the past 20 years. The past 8 years. The past 3. The past year. The past few months. The past few weeks. These past few days.

And I picked up my computer and logged into this shitty free blog and just started typing. And well, here I am. Writing for me, myself and I. Writing hoping it will bring satisfaction. Revolution, perhaps.

I use to know what I wanted to accomplish. I use to know where I wanted to go. I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. I use to know who I was. 

Now I’m at a point where I am walking outside as the rain picks up just to feel something.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I want to go or who I want to be. I am so unsure about everything that has ever happened in my life. I am so unsure of every decision, every move, every risk I have ever taken that it has left me lifeless.

Lifeless: Lacking vigor, vitality, or excitement. 

I have no strength. No energy. No interest. No excitement.

The only thing I feel is my fingers hitting this keyboard.

If feeling lifeless is a feeling at all, well, i feel it. I guess the question now is where do I go from here? What’s next? Because if I continue to sit in the rain every time mother nature cries too, well, I’m going to get a cold. Or worse my phone really will get soaked!

I don’t want to ponder through life like a ghost anymore. I want to know myself and my worth. I want to know that I AM something. I’m tired hating myself. 

 

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