1.having limits or bounds.“every computer has a finite amount of memory”
synonyms: limited, restricted, determinate, fixed
I am feeling as if my life is very finite lately. Limited. Bounded. Being 21 and being a full time mother, worker, and student is exhausting to say the least. Some days it takes all I have just to get out of bed, yet I do that and so much more. But when I reflect back on my days or my weeks, I feel as if it is incredibly finite. I am so limited to the things I can do with my crazy schedules, limited funds, limited time. I feel bounded to my house, my work place, and my child and husband. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my family… but some days… feel very… finite. I feel restricted to this rat race lifestyle where I am constantly trying to get ahead for the benefit of my family instead of enjoying the journey of life and where it wistfully takes me. Sometimes I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, but instead I have much more to worry about then just myself so I have to put so much thought and preparation into absolutely everything that I do on a daily basis. Shit, I cannot even go to the tanning salon on my way home from work without making plans for letting the babysitter know I’ll be a few minutes late, or just throwing in the towel on those plans all together (which is what normally happens). Maybe this is just a stage of life, and maybe it gets better (and freer from here), but right now I feel like I am stumbling through a very “finite” life.
You always hear talk about deadbeat dads, but what about deadbeat moms?
I have been raising my 3 year old (almost 4 year old) daughter for 90% of her life, because her, dare I say it, deadbeat “mother” decided her social life was more important than being a parent. I get it. Kids cost A LOT of money. Kids cost A LOT of time. Kids cost A LOT of effort. Being a parent is fucking tough, but if I can step up to the plate and do it, why can’t you? And how dare you say that we keep you from being a part of her life when you know damn well that our door was always open. Finally, we did shut it. Because it got to the point where our daughter doesn’t even know who you are, or if you even exist. All she knows is that she goes to bed every night giving her Daddy and Mommy kisses. Mommy, being me, of course. I became a mother at 18 years old because of you. And although I love it, and wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the worlds, I cannot help to resent you for the youthful years you are stealing from me. You pushed this beautiful kid out of your hoo-hah and you don’t even care that you haven’t even seen her face in over 2 years. I can’t bare more than a few days without my daughter, so much as to I took her out of town with me on my 21st birthday just so she was the face I was waking up too.
But I also have to say thank you. THANK YOU for giving up this beautiful, caring, thoughtful little girl. BECAUSE OF YOU I AM A MOM! And it is the greatest gift anyone could have. Being this little human’s mother is my purpose, and I truly believe so. She may have been at your disposal, but with me she will never feel as such. She is FIRST and FOREMOST in my life always.