Lifeless

I’ve come to a point in my life where I just walked out into the rain just to feel something. I don’t know what satisfaction I was looking for but it was like first instinct to just walk outside and feel the rain hitting against my shoulders. After about an hour laying lifeless in my bed staring off, thinking about everything.. thinking about nothing at all. The rain started to pick up and without thinking I walked outside.

It wasn’t long before I realized that my phone was in my pocket and as I was getting soaked, and so was it. So I came inside. Headed towards my bed again feeling no satisfaction at all I realized that if I returned to laying in my bed that well, it was going to get soaked too.

So I sat down. On the floor. Propped up against my wall. And I stared.

I stared at the past 20 years. The past 8 years. The past 3. The past year. The past few months. The past few weeks. These past few days.

And I picked up my computer and logged into this shitty free blog and just started typing. And well, here I am. Writing for me, myself and I. Writing hoping it will bring satisfaction. Revolution, perhaps.

I use to know what I wanted to accomplish. I use to know where I wanted to go. I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. I use to know who I was. 

Now I’m at a point where I am walking outside as the rain picks up just to feel something.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I want to go or who I want to be. I am so unsure about everything that has ever happened in my life. I am so unsure of every decision, every move, every risk I have ever taken that it has left me lifeless.

Lifeless: Lacking vigor, vitality, or excitement. 

I have no strength. No energy. No interest. No excitement.

The only thing I feel is my fingers hitting this keyboard.

If feeling lifeless is a feeling at all, well, i feel it. I guess the question now is where do I go from here? What’s next? Because if I continue to sit in the rain every time mother nature cries too, well, I’m going to get a cold. Or worse my phone really will get soaked!

I don’t want to ponder through life like a ghost anymore. I want to know myself and my worth. I want to know that I AM something. I’m tired hating myself. 

 

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Spring Broke

Spring break? More like spring BROKE.

While everyone else is soaking up the sun in Cancun, my 102 degree self is trying not to puke while stuck at work for the next week. If there’s any way I didn’t want to spend my break from school, this is definitely it. Stuck working for the next week as I always do, 6 days a week, I’m incredibly ill. I hate being an adult having to pay my own bills and pay my way through school, because I’d much rather have been able to take this week off of work and soak up some rays at the nearest beach with friends. But no, I’m Ashley and that just cannot happen. Uhg.

But It Could Be So Much Worse

Today an old friend of mine lost her father, just a few months ago she had lost her mother. As I looked at her posts on Facebook I couldn’t help but to admire her. Admire the way she talked about her parents in such a positive light, how strong she is to deal with such a pain. It made me think about how much I love my parents and how I don’t think I could ever go a single day knowing that not only one of them, but both of them are not somewhere on this planet.

I know I talk about this a lot, and if I don’t I probably just feel like I do, but my parents divorce felt like a death to me at the beginning. When I sit and think about it, I don’t talk to my dad often, and I talk to my mom every couple of weeks, but not as often as I use to. My father has made no efforts to contact me since I have come home from Christmas break, and before I came home it was just the same. I’ll call my mom whenever I’m not busy and feel like I haven’t heard her voice in awhile, but she works a lot so I don’t usual get an answer, or a call back. But she’ll call me occasionally and send texts every so often. I use to think that this was the worst relationship someone could have with their parents. The divorce didn’t just break up my mom and dad, it broke up our family too. None of us keep in touch like we should, we are all hurt in our own unique way.

But it could be so much worse.

Knowing that my parents, even if they are not together, even if WE are not together, are somewhere on this Earth puts me at ease. If I needed to talk to one of them I could easily do so. If I had an emergency I could easily pick up my phone and get their help. I’m so lucky to still have my parents, even if they aren’t together.

Side note: That’s my Pops and I! I couldn’t find a picture on my laptop with all three of us so I settled on this one.

Why I hate University food workers

I understand that everyone has a bad day once in awhile, for some more than others, but regardless we all have bad days. And by bad days I mean that we want to want to sucker-punch not just anyone that we see, but the entire human population in general. It happens, we have bad days. Some people deal with their bad days by drinking a glass of wine after all is said and done (like me), and others deal with their worse days by being incredibly disrespectful to others.

At my University, there’s these cafeteria workers you could say, they work in all the dining halls, everyday, same people. I can’t even begin to explain to you how awfully rude the majority of them are. But, I’ll give it my best damn shot. You can literally be the happiest bible-thumping 2 pound blonde girl walking through their line, wishing them a great day, and you will be shut down faster than a trunk with a dead body in it. For example, everyday I deal with the same grumpy ” I hate my life and job and all you students” worker at the salad bar I mostly eat at for lunch, and everyday I try to be as nice as I can possibly be, and everyday she catches an attitude with me. However, this one day, this one day was very particular. As I waited in line to tell her how I would like my salad prepared, I listened as the girl ahead of me was ordering. And (not) shockingly, the lady was so rude as to YELL at her to not pause in between telling her what ingredients she wanted in her salad and to just keep talking and stop holding “the whole damn place up”, so already approaching this lady I was already irritable with her, and then she pulled the exact same attitude with myself. Rushing me through my order, forgetting half of the ingredients I asked her to add after she forced me to continue ordering, I stopped and as kindly as I could, (I may have been a tad loud too), said “I’m trying to give you enough time in between ingredients to actually put it in the bowl first because you keep skipping every other ingredient just as I watched you do with every other person that was ahead of me”, catching everyone’s attention it was then awkward but she finished my order, just as I liked it. One of the workers working by her side filling up ranch dressing bottles kindly grinned at me which made me assume she was probably bitchy to them as well. And I’m happy to say, that since that day I have not seen that grumpy salad tosser (pun-intended) lady anymore, and every day I get my salad made just as I like it and the lady that grinned at me that day kindly wishes me a good day.

Yay.

To share, or not to share.

For about a week or so I have been going back and forth with the idea of making my blog public to my personal peers. Yes, I know it’s not on a private setting, but I have not shared this blog with anyone other than you randoms that found me while searching through different topics. Therefore, I’m not quite sure how I feel about sharing my thoughts, feelings, annoyances, likes and dislikes with people that know more of me than just my picture on some blog. There are many pros and cons to sharing this and letting it be known that I occasionally blog. I blogged in high school once, and it was actually a really big hit. I had thousands of followers and even got paid for some of my posts! Cha-ching. BUT, it also had some negative aspects too, everyone I went to high school with knew me, like actually knew me. My thoughts, feelings, annoyances, likes and dislikes. It was weird. I walked in to the cafeteria everyday at school and felt has if people were looking through me, and they were. I had made the choice to share my most inner thoughts with people that I barely even knew, yet knew enough for it matter to me. Unlike you guys, these peoples opinions somewhat mattered at the moment just because I had to be surrounded by them day in and day out, in classes, sports, clubs, etc. That being said though, I’m in college now. And being in college is a lot different than being in high school. Instead of being with 1,000 students day in and day out whose names I knew all, I’m with 30,000 students everyday and I could probably tell you the names of a solid 30 of them. Here I don’t have to worry about walking to class and everyone I pass seeing through me and making me feel naked. And for that reason, I debate whether or whether not I should share this. I love the responses from people that know a little more of me so I feel the need to broadcast what I spend a good amount of my time doing ; blogging.

Ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Ramblings

I feel the need to do some updating since I have not posted since the holidays, so I’ll ramble about some recent events in my life.

I’m a few weeks into my second semester of college and I can gladly say it is going a LOT better than my first. My grades are back to my normal A’s and B’s, minus one stupid fuckity fuck class where my TA is an incredibly cute asshole. Being back in the smart student gang though definitely has it’s ups.

I have discovered a deep and intense love, and not that middle school “hey in the hall way” love, a real passionate love. I love wine. Mostly the girly bitch wines like pinot grigio, but hey it’s still a wine. And thanks to my super cool boyfriend my window seal is now stacked with empty wine bottles and I’m almost never without a bottle when I get home from work.

A few weeks ago I caved and did another body modification. I got my second tattoo, a cliche cursive “lux in tenebris” on my left shoulder blade. It translates from Latin to “light in darkness”, which I got for my own reasons that I won’t go into on this post (we’ll save all that ‘feel bad for me’ shit for a later day).

I’m taking a studio art class this semester and it’s really got me back into doing my artwork and being creative. Not to to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty damn good. I can’t sing or play the guitar but my ass sure can draw.

I racked up $120 in parking tickets because I totally forgot I parked my car outside my apartment at a meter on a Sunday night and Monday that parking ticket guy went to town with my car. I’m staring at these (unpaid) tickets on my desk right now dreading paying them within the next couple of days, uhg. I honestly have a legit excuse for forgetting about my car, though. I was just getting off work and I had to pee incredibly bad. And because I live downtown, I have to park my car in a parking garage half a block from my building, and I just knew I wasn’t going to make it. So I parked at the meter because it was night time and it wasn’t running, came inside to do my business, and remembered my love for wine when I saw the bottle sitting on my desk. Oops.

Okay enough ramblings, there’s my life update.

Home for the (Hell)idays

I hate holidays.

Blunt, I know. But true. Holidays haven’t been fun for me since the younger days of pretending Santa came down the chimney and ate a couple cookies while stuffing our stockings with candy and toys. And even that ended quickly because of some asshole in the first grade.

My family moved to South Carolina when I was at age 10, away from any other family members, thus meaning we never really carried traditions like eating at grandmas for dinner on Christmas Eve or anything like that. It was just simply the four of us.

This year was my first year at college, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, and the first year that I’ve lived in SC by myself as my parents divorced and both moved back to our home state, TN. So this was the first Christmas I’ve spent in TN in 8 years. And it is just mom, little brother, and I. Oh, and her new boy toy.. but let’s not go there just yet.

There’s nothing to look forward to this Christmas.. as any other. It’s just a reminder of my recently torn family, a struggling to get gifts as a broke college student (i.e. lots of glue gun burns from cheap crafting), and I’m without my lovely boyfriend this holiday as he is visiting family in Virginia. I can’t express how anxious I am to travel back to SC in the new year. I just bought a brand new car for myself and as I’m not looking forward to this 10 hour drive, at least I can do it in luxury, right?

Hope all you bloggers enjoy your holiday, as I’ll be enjoying the endless amounts of cheesecake and eggnog.