1.having limits or bounds.“every computer has a finite amount of memory”
synonyms: limited, restricted, determinate, fixed
I am feeling as if my life is very finite lately. Limited. Bounded. Being 21 and being a full time mother, worker, and student is exhausting to say the least. Some days it takes all I have just to get out of bed, yet I do that and so much more. But when I reflect back on my days or my weeks, I feel as if it is incredibly finite. I am so limited to the things I can do with my crazy schedules, limited funds, limited time. I feel bounded to my house, my work place, and my child and husband. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my family… but some days… feel very… finite. I feel restricted to this rat race lifestyle where I am constantly trying to get ahead for the benefit of my family instead of enjoying the journey of life and where it wistfully takes me. Sometimes I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, but instead I have much more to worry about then just myself so I have to put so much thought and preparation into absolutely everything that I do on a daily basis. Shit, I cannot even go to the tanning salon on my way home from work without making plans for letting the babysitter know I’ll be a few minutes late, or just throwing in the towel on those plans all together (which is what normally happens). Maybe this is just a stage of life, and maybe it gets better (and freer from here), but right now I feel like I am stumbling through a very “finite” life.
You always hear talk about deadbeat dads, but what about deadbeat moms?
I have been raising my 3 year old (almost 4 year old) daughter for 90% of her life, because her, dare I say it, deadbeat “mother” decided her social life was more important than being a parent. I get it. Kids cost A LOT of money. Kids cost A LOT of time. Kids cost A LOT of effort. Being a parent is fucking tough, but if I can step up to the plate and do it, why can’t you? And how dare you say that we keep you from being a part of her life when you know damn well that our door was always open. Finally, we did shut it. Because it got to the point where our daughter doesn’t even know who you are, or if you even exist. All she knows is that she goes to bed every night giving her Daddy and Mommy kisses. Mommy, being me, of course. I became a mother at 18 years old because of you. And although I love it, and wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the worlds, I cannot help to resent you for the youthful years you are stealing from me. You pushed this beautiful kid out of your hoo-hah and you don’t even care that you haven’t even seen her face in over 2 years. I can’t bare more than a few days without my daughter, so much as to I took her out of town with me on my 21st birthday just so she was the face I was waking up too.
But I also have to say thank you. THANK YOU for giving up this beautiful, caring, thoughtful little girl. BECAUSE OF YOU I AM A MOM! And it is the greatest gift anyone could have. Being this little human’s mother is my purpose, and I truly believe so. She may have been at your disposal, but with me she will never feel as such. She is FIRST and FOREMOST in my life always.
Sometimes it’s every other day, sometimes a week or two can go by, sometimes even a month. However, “every now and then” I will catch a glimmer of you.
Random moments throughout ordinary seconds of my days it will happen. For a moment, I flashback.
I flashback to the moment where I’m 7 years old again. The moment where I am sitting in a hard wooden kitchen chair just outside the den and my wet stringy hair lays perfectly combed across my back as you cut my hair with the scissors I was never allowed to cut magazines up with. Mom and you are talking about things that I don’t quite understand. I flash back to hearing your contagious laugh in perfect harmony with moms. I catch a glimmer of you.
I flashback to riding passenger in moms bright greenish-blue sunfire up your long driveway listening to the pebbles that consumed your yard toss around the wheels of the car. You come strolling out of the house through the back door that leads to your driveway and I see your face as you walk across the porch in your jean mini skirt waving us inside. I catch a glimmer of you.
I flashback to Thanksgiving at Nanny’s house where mom accidentally takes a bite out of the dressing with onions. We giggle as mom runs across the crowded kitchen, mouth wide open, towards the trash can to spit it out as fast as she can. I’m sitting in your lap in a scratchy sweater that you and mom tried to convince me that I looked so cute in. We giggle, and you let my hair out of it’s pony tail and start braiding it as we wait for the kitchen to clear to make our plates. I catch a glimmer of you.
I flashback to moments before my first pageant where you and mom were cracking jokes to one another about the other pageant moms. Another mom leans in to one of the judges across the room where we were all getting ready and we all three sit and watch as the judge walks towards the corner of the room where we were making the final touches on hair and makeup. The judge says something about how wigs are not allowed in pageants and you bark back at the defense that my hair is just that naturally beautifully, and as he walks away we giggle because I’m really wearing a partial hair clip that you got for me. I flashback to winning my first pageant and hearing you scream “Hell yeah! That’s my baby!” in a room full of family members and over-makeuped 6 year olds. I catch a glimmer of you.
I flashback to moments at Bailey Park where I took my shoes off and raced across the parking lot with Chandler, and for a moment I can feel the rough warm pavement on the bottoms of my bare feet. You’re sitting on the bench wearing the biggest round sunglasses that took up half of your face with your knees crossed sipping on a fountain drink from the gas station Papaw had his heart attack years before. I catch a glimmer of you.
For just a moment, I catch these glimmers of you. And for a few seconds of my day I am living in a world where you still exist. I try to prolong these glimmers, reaching out trying to save the memory forever, but as soon as I grasp it, it slips away. And it is just a glimmer.
February 9th, 2017 at approximately 10:45 pm I was arriving at my Tryon home from a closing shift at work. Me being as OCD as I am, I immediately noticed something different about my fiancé and I’s home. Little things.
“I cleaned for you and you’re seriously finding a way to complain about it and question me?”, was the response my fiancé gave when questions started pouring out my mouth like vomit.
My makeup bag was under the sink because he moved things to wipe down the counter top, yet the hard crusts of toothpaste from the previous days were still caked onto the counter just as when I had left.
My sandals, boots, and black and purple Nike tennis shoes were all carelessly thrown into the bottom of my closet. “There was too many shoes by the door so I put them up!” Yet, his 4-5 pairs filled the shoe rack by our front door along with my (at the time) 2 year old’s 2-3 pairs of shoes. The only shoes moved, were mine.
Pictures of our first trip to the fair as a family (which was a complete disaster as our 2 year old with anxiety was not ready for such a scene) and pictures of our engagement and various moments of our relationship together were all placed in a different order than the day before, even different from that morning before I came home.
Miscellaneous desk items of mine such as a photo of my pale, kept hand, with my shining new engagement ring sitting atop my fiancé’s knuckles on the night he proposed, a photograph of the first encounter of myself and the little girl I call my daughter, and a wooden board that we got from a thrift store that I covered in a patterned fabric to use as a decor piece were all stacked on top of one another perfectly placed underneath our living room couch just out of sight.
That moment is when I knew. I knew that no matter what I was going to be heart broken. I went into the bathroom and I sat in the floor quietly, not yet exploding from what I suspected, and I tried to find the right words to say. I searched for the calmness I wanted to approach this situation with. I never found it. I jumped up and ran into the living room demanding the truth. After what felt like pestering for years, I got the truth. I still remember the feeling of hearing him say her name. My eyes felt like they fell out of my head and it felt as if I had swallowed a brick and it was lodged in my throat preventing me from making any sound. I literally felt the world shift as I stared the love of MY life in the eyes and saw the hate and anger, but worst of all, the relief in his eyes. At that millisecond in time on February 9th I physically felt my heart break. And to this day, I never felt it piece itself back together again.
The first initial thoughts that ran through my head were probably the same as anyone else’s have been in similar situations. I started to question my worth not only as a woman, but a human. I felt less than human, as worthless as an old penny lost in a drain pipe. I cried for WEEKS. Shit, I still cry to this DAY. I loved my parter– and I couldn’t fathom my life without him in it. But overtime I thought of him, I thought of them. I couldn’t stop picturing them together. Going on dates, holding hands, kissing, being a COUPLE.
That night I left, and with no where to go I sat at a gas station parking lot at the very last pump sobbing, screaming at the top of my lungs until a middle aged woman who was working that night came and knocked on my window with a cup of coffee. She asked me if she needed me to call anyone, and as embarrassed as all get out I sobbed out a crying no and apologized. I started explaining to this complete stranger why I was breaking down in this gas station parking lot at 3am as if I was talking to my therapist. She opened my car door and she actually sat there kneeled halfway into my baby blue hyunadi and held me. She didn’t give me advice, she didn’t tell me what to do. She just kept telling me to breathe and that everything would be “Okay”. I never got her name, and I still don’t feel “Okay”. I was saved from this horribly awkward encounter from a call back from my sister-in-law and I immediately went to her house and laid in bed with her and just cried until I physically couldn’t cry anymore. After what felt like only a few minutes, but had been an hour or so, I left. Something about laying in my love’s sister’s bed didn’t feel like home. Nothing felt like home. I had lost my home and I couldn’t find a single zone of comfort.
The following weeks got worse. I lost every sense of who I was, and it is something I still don’t fully have back yet. I begged. I pleaded. I bargained. I did everything I could do to try to keep him. And worst of all, I said it was fine. I actually told him that I would wait from him to get done cheating on me and that I would stay with him. Thinking of the night I said those words still gives me a shiver down my spine and is the biggest regret I have in my 21 years of existence. I spent many more nights for months to come begging every night until the early hours of the morning, just to have the person I loved more than myself record videos of me on my hands and knees to send to his newly found “girlfriend” with his haunting laugh in the background. I lost myself when I allowed myself to be treated this way, and I still haven’t found myself back yet. I honestly don’t know if I ever will.
I wanted to die.
One morning when he had taken our daughter to the babysitters (because he refused to let her be around me because, according to him, we were not together) I searched through the closets of our home and grabbed a purse. It was a hand tied knot purse with a long shoulder strap. I cut the strap off and tied it to the waist ties of my robe. I grabbed the little pink polka dot stool from our bedroom and I tied one end of makeshift rope to the door handle leading into the bathroom and dropped it over the door to the other side where I stood on that little pink stool with no reason to not just kick it from under my feet. I honestly can’t tell you what happened. I stopped thinking for a split second and folded up that little pink stool and untied the rope form the door handle and I started to get ready for work. I still remember the strong taste of the toothpaste as I brushed my teeth that day. Something about crying so much and merely making an attempt at death that made that toothpaste fill my senses. And now ever now and then as I brush my teeth half awake, it takes me back to this day.
Fast forward to now–August of 2017. It still hurts the same. I still catch myself driving down the interstate and screaming at the top of my lungs because that’s the one place no one can hear me. I catch myself gripping my fists together so hard I leave sores of perfect imprints of the tips of my fingernails in the palms of my hands. This pain is horrific and relentless and toxic. I feel so worthless, unloved, ugly, and any other negative connatation you can think of.
Going on 7 months later, and I am still dealing with the aftermath.
I’ve come to a point in my life where I just walked out into the rain just to feel something. I don’t know what satisfaction I was looking for but it was like first instinct to just walk outside and feel the rain hitting against my shoulders. After about an hour laying lifeless in my bed staring off, thinking about everything.. thinking about nothing at all. The rain started to pick up and without thinking I walked outside.
It wasn’t long before I realized that my phone was in my pocket and as I was getting soaked, and so was it. So I came inside. Headed towards my bed again feeling no satisfaction at all I realized that if I returned to laying in my bed that well, it was going to get soaked too.
So I sat down. On the floor. Propped up against my wall. And I stared.
I stared at the past 20 years. The past 8 years. The past 3. The past year. The past few months. The past few weeks. These past few days.
And I picked up my computer and logged into this shitty free blog and just started typing. And well, here I am. Writing for me, myself and I. Writing hoping it will bring satisfaction. Revolution, perhaps.
I use to know what I wanted to accomplish. I use to know where I wanted to go. I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. I use to know who I was.
Now I’m at a point where I am walking outside as the rain picks up just to feel something.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I want to go or who I want to be. I am so unsure about everything that has ever happened in my life. I am so unsure of every decision, every move, every risk I have ever taken that it has left me lifeless.
Lifeless: Lacking vigor, vitality, or excitement.
I have no strength. No energy. No interest. No excitement.
The only thing I feel is my fingers hitting this keyboard.
If feeling lifeless is a feeling at all, well, i feel it. I guess the question now is where do I go from here? What’s next? Because if I continue to sit in the rain every time mother nature cries too, well, I’m going to get a cold. Or worse my phone really will get soaked!
I don’t want to ponder through life like a ghost anymore. I want to know myself and my worth. I want to know that I AM something. I’m tired hating myself.
Spring break? More like spring BROKE.
While everyone else is soaking up the sun in Cancun, my 102 degree self is trying not to puke while stuck at work for the next week. If there’s any way I didn’t want to spend my break from school, this is definitely it. Stuck working for the next week as I always do, 6 days a week, I’m incredibly ill. I hate being an adult having to pay my own bills and pay my way through school, because I’d much rather have been able to take this week off of work and soak up some rays at the nearest beach with friends. But no, I’m Ashley and that just cannot happen. Uhg.